Believe for that's the only thing...

Its been a while since I’ve drifted. It’s been quite a bit since these fingers have flown on the keyboard, elaborating different purposes. Ya.. It’s been a while. Well I’m ready to trip once more.
Life is a rollercoaster. Yes. We’ve heard this before. Life is what you make it. It is good. It is bad. It is numb at times. I think however, none of us know life. I think we just came up with a random name to explain our existence. And it’s fine by me.
The randomness of my life makes me Irina. The rules and influences create the devil. I want to be free, free of influences, free of bad news, free of rules like gravity. But for now, I’m human. One day I will fly... I will fly so incredibly high in the sky, I’ll just become one with the clouds and smile as I watch over the mountains and waters that make this place extraordinary.
I am in need of my love. I am in need of feeling his soft body, his gorgeous lips, his warm hands and his embrace. I wish I could go curl up beside him. I wish he was here right now. I miss him so much at night. All I can do is try... and maybe it won’t take five years.

I MISS HIM! GOD! WHY????
How could I have driven the most important person away????
Make this pain stop. Please.
Everytime I think of him, it feels like a someone is stabbing my heart.
I want to think everything will be ok, but he seems happy without me. All I want is for him to have an amazing life and be happy.
I am grateful that I met him, because at least now I know what love is supposed to feel like. The pain is horrible but someone once said.... you can't have love without pain.
The memories are the hardest.
The sitting in bed looking into each others eyes...
The trips and adventures...
The sex.... the sweet touch of his most amazing body
The kisses...the softest lips on earth....
Feeling soooo safe when he held me...
All I can do is hope.

Hey old friend, I missed you so. I’m sitting here wondering if what you said was true. Maybe it is. Maybe there is no such thing as a perfect person. Well perfect for you anyways. I am also wondering if happiness is something unattainable or if it just a figment of my innocent imagination. Maybe I used to write because I was sad, depressed and torn by love. Maybe the most beautiful words are created only in moments of utter downfall. I spent most of my life being unhappy and coveting in depression until I met him. Then I thought I saw the light at the end of the tunnel: the happy light. Maybe it is much easier to be a disheartened poet or maybe it’s better to just try to be happy with the opportunity. All of these questions and wonderings sit in my brain captive and at war with each other, never knowing what little voice to listen to. I feel like I am just dreaming sometimes. It would be nice to just wake up one morning and find that Curtis has no kids, my school is over and I have a good job that brings me lots of money. But for now I am stuck in this dream, good or bad.... I don’t know.

how can something so simple hurt so much?
how come he doesn't get excited about me anymore?
Is his love fading away?
are we slowly going to drift apart?
Him with his time alone.....
I'm just really sad. I'm not gonna try to write anything poetic. I'm just writing how I feel. I am crying and I JUST WISH HE COULD FUCKING CARE MORE AND MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I MEAN SOMETHING TO HIM. All I want is for this to end.... for him to love me like I love him....
Should I even be in a relationship where I am more in love?


I know the answer should be no...... fuck me..... I feel like my heart is getting stabbed.

-----to be honest, a lot of the stuff you said in gr. 12 stuck. you're words helped me get through the rough parts. so thank you :)
-----(brent w.)

Wow i'm not so bad after all... I inspired someone to be great.

How can my heart hurt so badly?
How can you look at me and say you don't love me?
You said you'd love me forever...
Now I know that words are useless and meaningless...
I just wanted to stay warm in your arms
I just wanted to star gaze my life with you
I thought me and you were meant to be
I thought me and you were different
Turned out to be a river full of lies
My tears come and my smile fades
When I think about you lying next to me
When I think of your soft skin touching mine
Can things ever go back to the start?
Should we ever smile carelessly together again?
Without you here, this room is so cold
This world is so dark, so lonely
I just want to run away, so far away
I wish I could just pack my bags and get on a plane
I wish I could look out the window and see America just swish by
Escape into a beautiful Europe and just start new
Because without you the world over here makes no sense
So many faces and places to explore
So many old building to get lost in
So many monasteries to go pray in
So much life to make me forget my past
Just erase it like writing on a black board
The white dust will be the end of all the pain
Open my arms wide and let my spirit free
Fly away with all the pink and purple clouds
Soaring in the sky, all my fears exiled into the unknown
But then reality comes back and pinches me into the awake
Now I am here, trembling and shaking, biting my nails
How does this play out? How we do we fix this?
No one can help... it's just us... just me and you....

Lost, confused and scared... What do I do when the man I love most makes me feel like he’s not sure? I want this to work, but being compared even in the slightest of ways to his ex makes me sick. I wanted this to be the romantic embrace on life I’ve been waiting for since I was little. I want the music back. I want our adventures back. I want his gorgeous smile back. What to do?
Do I just sit there and pretend like it doesn’t bother? My heart craves him, my head craves love... Are they one and the same?
When I’m out, my thoughts always bring me back to him and I wait with joy the moment he walks through the door of my house, stinky from work with a kiss waiting. When I study I think how proud he will be if I get good grades. When I light a cigarette I feel guilt that I’m taking away time he has to spend with me in life. When I feel sad, I think of him saying random things about walruses and rainbows. When I’m with him, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.
Here goes... I haven’t done this in a while but after last night, my faith has been restored.

Dear God, please if you are so kind, protect my heart. Please protect his too. Make sure that we end up where our place is on this earth. And please don’t take my tears away like you did with my grandma. I need my tears to know I am human. And I know I am asking for a lot but can you please send me a message that my grandma is out there somewhere and that she’s not mad at me.

I miss my home; I miss my dog and my yard with the big swing. I miss hanging out with my cousin in the park and I miss the tree I used to climb. I miss the roads and the old cement houses. I just wish I could back to being little, with no worries and no fears.

It's late and I cannot sleep. Something is missing. Something is bothering me. It's freedom... I still feel caged in when I live with my parents. It's not that I can't do what I want, it's that I get bitched at. I need my alone time, my space to play my music loud when I want to, a space to stay up at night comfortably, where I can watch my own TV and let go of all the voices. I just want to escape them. I love them but fuck, we cannot share the same house. I am hoping for luck, some form of luck, for some kind of sales to take off and get a bunch of money for a down payment on a house. Cause even moving into the basement I will still feel their presence. AHHHHH.... I can't sleep and I know I have to. I just feel like I have a lump in my chest... Something I can't swallow. It's that I wanna jump into my car and go for a drive but I can't... cause I gotta sleep and driving will make me that much more awake. I have work to do tomorrow. I cannot stop my brain from thinking. I thought if I wrote everything down in here everything might go away and i would feel better but I think there’s only one way to cure this... get in my car and drive and waste some more gas... fuck I want to so bad but I know it would be dumb. I’m addicted to the road...it’s the only thing that saves me from the scary demons from my house. I want to leave... DAM IT. I WANNA LEAVE. FUCK ME! I DUNNO WHAT TO DO. I need fucking sleep. But I cannot close my eyes. I feel like I did some coke and hired some hookers who are on their way to see me... so I can watch them undress. Why? Fuck if I know, cause that’s what I felt like saying. It made me feel important.
I just wanna close my eyes
I just wanna see tomorrow
I just wanna eat my steak
I just wanna see my buddies
I just wanna drive on the highway
I just wanna smoke....

sudden tears
suppressed fears

Back to School. Back to the mental anguish of our forefathers. Ah yes, the complete irony of being alive.... We're alive but with such little time to experience living... I have so much homework, I want to scream. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Ahem, yes not as satisfying as actually producing those sounds with your voice but it will have to do for now...
To take my pick now. Marketing or accounting?
heads: marketing, tails accounting (now for the virtual coin flip http://www.betweenwaters.com/probab/flip/coinmainD.html) and it is:
TAILS! Accounting it is.

This is it. Goodbye summer! On Tuesday Sept 2 I start school. My first class: English. WOW, it’s happening so fast. I’m going to miss doing nothing. This is it! The beginning of a lifetime of work!
Goodbye free time, maybe we’ll meet again in 40-50 years!
Goodbye...
Bye...

Rain is the essence of life,
Without it our earth would die
Yet, tears come down in times like these
When dark is all our skies become
I wonder:
Why can’t it rain when the sun is out?
Water drops, with sunshine?


He says: Come into my world!
I say: Fine! And then emerge...
Into his gorgeous eyes, I stare for decades without blinking
Surrounded by serenity and peace
High mountains, elevation so high, air so crisp and clear
No worries, no cares, no regrets, no guilt
Just smiling pixies, multi-coloured birds and vibrant radiance
Like the fairytales our parents read to us,
We can now live there, in Curtopia
All we need is imagination, closed eyelids
And the love we thought we would never get

Is it okay?
Is it okay to be a second family? To want to be the first but you can’t. Not the first, the only. Three kids these days is too many… if I do this I give up the dream of being a mother. A real mom, not a step mom. I feel bad burdening this man with more kids than he can handle. Two is already too many. As an only child, one is all I wanted. Can I do that? Can I live with being just there???? Just a prop, not really connected in any way than in the way of the heart? Can I live with another woman in my life forever? Can I break the burrier of my mind and find it in me to let go? Can I just escape to my dream world and build my make believe family there? Does it have to be real? Can I survive in a fantasy? Can I face this other woman without picturing her in a wedding dress marrying my boyfriend??? How the fuck do I answer these goddam questions?????

A story about me: Who am I? I am confused. That’s about it. What does it take to find out who you are? Do you need time alone? Cause I’ve had it, and still nothing! Who is Irina? What is her purpose? I thought I had everything figured out but since I’ve hit up sober life, nothing makes sense now. Life is too clear. I was comfortable with blurry, I was comfortable with not knowing. So I’m supposed to get it all out every time I feel like this. I am supposed to word vomit.

Okay here goes: So he took her garter off, which in turn reminds me that he was married. Which also in turn reminds me that he was happy with another woman? Okay so what’s so bad in that? I was happy with another guy, but never happy enough to marry him. I need to ask myself now; if I and he had kids by mistake would I marry him, or know that it could never work because he wasn’t my soul mate? Hmmm... That’s a toughie. Maybe Curtis isn’t my soul mate. Maybe I just talked myself into it. Or maybe he truly is. My heart says yes, but my brain says there is no such thing as a soul mate. When people are married and one of them dies, the other always goes out looking for love once they get over their dead lovers. How? If you knew there is only one out there for you how could you love another, or are you just settling so you don’t end up alone? My second question is: Is love a choice? Do you chose who you spend the rest of your life with knowing there isn’t just one person out there?
Wow I never thought I would ever end up asking myself all these questions, I never thought I would actually debate the meaning of true love with myself. Could it just be that Andrea was the first and I just came second in Curtis’s line of choice? And how do I know there won’t be a third for him?

Life is not what it used to be at one point. Maybe I should stop living in the past. Nowadays kids come from everywhere. Does it even matter who the biological parents are anymore? Life is a joke these days. Maybe I should start laughing. What more do I left to do?

Beautiful meeting tonight... thought I`d share some info with those of you that might be reading.

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Diving head on into letting go and forgetting
Accepting and forgiving...
How? I don’t know. By smiling?
All I know is that he’s the man with the big heart I’ve always wanted.
So he has a past, one I cannot erase? Is that really so bad?
Is it so bad that he loves his children? Why am I such an idiot to connect them to her?
Why?
Because my mom dropped me on my head when I was little?
Or because I’m scared of the future? Scared of getting hurt, so I’m labelling anything I could find as a problem? Could I possibly be that fucked in the head???

Well right now, I’m directly thinking about his past, and I AM OKAY! Let’s hope it lasts.
I just won’t let myself cry anymore. And I will yell and scream at the tears, if they start to pour. Ha-ha. They will get so scared; they will stop because they know Irina will give them a dam good beating.

So she had a big belly with his babies? So she carried his bundles of joy? So she married him?
And in the end they weren’t meant to be. In the end he chose me. Maybe one day I’ll get to do the same, and it will mean a whole lot more than simple immaturity and responsibility, it will feel like love, true love. As far as I know, I am the one with cute feet, and if he loves my feet, I’m definitely the most special girl in the whole world. Yee-haaaw!!!

Well I’m going to start writing in here religiously like I used to, cause dam; it feels awesome to write again. With lots of practice and lots of pushing I will start writing like I used to.

It’s just like being constipated... you gotta push real hard... but eventually it comes out.

What do i say
What do i do
When my heart can’t speak to u
Why do i lie within myself
Thinking about the possible end
Why do i do these things to myself
Why am i lost with no trace
Can`t seem to explain everything
Can`t seem to grasp it
The music can only take me know
Show me the sunny side to life.

LOVE HURTS. it does it feels like pressure on ur chest and u don't know what to do.

I hate how I cannot think of anything else
My dark and cold thoughts are taking over
Leaving small space for change
Leaving almost no chance for me to wake up
I don't want to be in this nightmare alone
Scared of the images in my head
Intoxicating me, taking my breath away
Gradually, then suddenly they corrupt me
And minutes later I'm on the ground.
Pulse? Maybe not.
Deception of the soul? Is trully the right verdict

What happens?
What happens when I meet your past?
When what I'm most scared of
Reveals itself to me?
What then?
What if your past doesn't agree with me?
Do I keep trying or do I let it beat me?
The strenght I have for you is cosmic
But can my universe really cope
With knowing that I will never get
The whole you, on every level
I wish I could end it now
Pretending I never met you
But I could not live with the regret
I could not spend my time
Wondering what could have happended
You are amazing and all I can do is ....... HOPE